ODDS 'N' ENDS, Vol 2
My "Odds 'n' Ends" page got so big, my HTML editor wouldn't let me add any more stuff! (To return to "Odds 'n' Ends, Vol. 1," click here
TIPS FOR WRITING SUCCESSFUL PAPERS
1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. Be more or less specific.
15. Understatement is always best.
16. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
17. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
18. The passive voice is to be avoided.
19. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
20. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
21. Who needs rhetorical questions?
22. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
The Top 10 Signs You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart:
10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.
9. That tell-tale lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.
8. On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen-over licorice downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.
7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon, rose petal and saffron demi-glace, with pecan-crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint-fennel sauce.
6. The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you even after you leave the bathroom.
5. You discover that every napkin in the entire house has been folded into a swan.
4. No matter where you eat, your place setting always includes an oyster fork.
3. Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.
2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.
And the Number 1 Sign You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart
1. You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
BRAKE FOR MOOSE - IT COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE
Cancer cures smoking.
CHANGE IS INEVITABLE - EXCEPT FROM A VENDING MACHINE
CHEW ON A SOCK
CLEVERLY DISGUISED AS A RESPONSIBLE ADULT
COVER ME - I'M CHANGING LANES
DARE TO THINK FOR YOURSELF
Dear IRS: I would like to cancel my subscription. Please remove my name from your mailing list.
DESPERATELY CLINGING TO UTOPIAN ILLUSIONS
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Do not adjust your mind, the fault is with reality.
DYSLEXICS OF THE WORLD - UNTIE!
EARTH IS FULL - GO HOME
Eat beans, not beings.
EAT RIGHT, EXERCISE, DIE ANYWAY
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
FRIENDS HELP YOU MOVE - REAL FRIENDS HELP YOU MOVE BODIES
Geneology: Chasing your own tale.
GIVE ME AMBIGUITY OR GIVE ME SOMETHING ELSE
GONE CRAZY - BE BACK SHORTLY
Got kleptomania ? Take something for it.
HANG UP AND DRIVE
HE WHO DIES WITH THE MOST TOYS... STILL DIES
HE WHO HESITATES IS NOT ONLY LOST - BUT MILES FROM THE NEXT EXIT
HE WHO LAUGHS LAST THINKS SLOWEST
He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.
HONK IF ANYTHING FALLS OFF
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
HONK IF YOU'RE ONTOLOGICALLY ALIENATED
HORN BROKEN - WATCH FOR FINGER
HOW DO I SET A LASER PRINTER TO STUN?
I CAN SEE THROUGH YOUR CLOTHES
DARE to keep cops off donuts.
I DO WHATEVER MY RICE KRISPIES TELL ME TO
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I fought the lawn and the lawn won.
I HAVE ANIMAL MAGNETISM - WHEN I GO OUTSIDE, SQUIRRELS ARE ATTRACTED TO ME
I HAVE NO INTENTION OF TELLING YOU MY REAL NAME
I HAVEN'T LOST MY MIND - IT'S BACKED UP ON DISK SOMEWHERE
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I never worry when I get lost... I just change where I want to go.
I REFUSE TO HAVE A BATTLE OF WITS -WITH AN UNARMED PERSON
I THINK - THEREFORE I DON'T LISTEN TO DAN RATHER
I THINK WE MET IN A PAST LIFE - AND YOU WERE A DIPSTICK THEN TOO
I THINK YOU LEFT THE STOVE ON
I USED TO BE DISGUSTED - NOW I'M JUST AMUSED
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges..?
IF PROGRESS MEANS TO MOVE FORWARD - WHAT DOES CONGRESS MEAN?
IF WE QUIT VOTING - WILL THEY ALL GO AWAY?
IF YOU'RE NOT OUTRAGED - YOU'RE NOT PAYING ATTENTION
ILLITERATE? WRITE FOR HELP
I'm pro-Life-jacket, and I boat.
I'M THE PERSON YOUR MOTHER WARNED YOU ABOUT
IT'S BEEN LOVELY - BUT I HAVE TO SCREAM NOW
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES - USE BIRTH CONTROL
LOBOTOMIES FOR DEMOCRATS? WHY BE REDUNDANT?
MINIMUM WAGE FOR POLITICIANS
MONTANA - AT LEAST THE COWS ARE SANE
MY MOM THINKS I'M AT THE MOVIES
MY OTHER CAR HAS BUMPER STICKERS, TOO
My son is getting out for good behavior at Father Baker's Reform School.
MY SON ISN'T AN HONOR STUDENT - HE PLAYS HOCKEY
NOT ALL WHO WANDER ARE LOST
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
OH, GO EVOLVE!
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.
POLITICS - FROM THE WORDS "POLY, " MEANING "MANY," AND "TICKS," AS IN "SMALL, BLOOD-SUCKING PARASITES"
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
SO MANY FOOLS - SO FEW COMETS
SO MANY PEDESTRIANS - SO LITTLE TIME
SO WHO PIDDLED ON YOUR POST TOASTIES?
SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO KILL THEM
STAY TUNED! - I COULD SAY SOMETHING BRILLIANT AT ANY MOMENT!
Thank you for NOT being perky.
THE FACE IS FAMILIAR - BUT I CAN'T QUITE REMEMBER MY NAME
THE GENE POOL COULD USE A LITTLE CHLORINE
The hell with world peace. Visualize using your bloody turn signal.
The more things change, the more they remain insane.
THE NEW RIGHT IS FUNDAMENTALLY WRONG
The LEFT makes so many RIGHT turns that they keep going in circles.
THE TROUBLE WITH YOU IS THAT YOU'RE ALIVE
THIS BUMPER STICKER EXPLOITS ILLITERATES
THIS IS IT - I DON'T HAVE ANOTHER CAR
THIS ISN'T MY IDEA OF A GOOD TIME
THIS WOULD BE REALLY FUNNY - IF IT WEREN'T HAPPENING TO ME
THOSE WHO ABANDON THEIR DREAMS WILL DISCOURAGE YOURS
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
UNIQUELY MALADJUSTED - BUT FUN
VISUALIZE BEING A COURTEOUS DRIVER
Visualize Whirled Peas.
WHAT CAN YOU SAY ABOUT LIBERALS- THAT HASN'T ALREADY BEEN SAID ABOUTHEMORRHOIDS?
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
WHERE ARE WE GOING - AND WHY AM I IN THIS HANDBASKET?
WHO ARE THE GRATEFUL DEAD - AND WHY DO THEY KEEP FOLLOWING ME?
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
YOU! OUT OF THE GENE POOL!
YOUR KID MAY BE AN HONOR STUDENT BUT YOU'RE STILL AN IDIOT
YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE THE VOICES ARE TALKING TO ME
MY HONOR STUDENT IS ALSO A BLACK BELT, SO BRING ON YOUR BULLY
I BREAK FOR BONDI!
INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE
1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
2. Memorize your favorite poem.
3. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have, or sleep all you want.
4. When you say, "I love you", mean it.
5. When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye.
6 . Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
7. Believe in love at first sight.
8. Never laugh at anyone's dreams.
9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt, but it's the only way to live life completely.
10. In disagreements, fight fairly, no name calling
11. Don't judge people by their relatives.
12. Talk slow, but think quick.
13. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
15. Call your mom.
16. Say "Bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
17. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
18. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; Responsibility for all your actions.
19. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
20. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
21. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
22. Marry a man you love to talk to. As you get older, his conversational skills will be as important as any other .
23. Spend some time alone.
24. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
25. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
26. Read more books and watch less TV.
27. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll get to enjoy it a second time.
28. Trust in God but lock your car.
29. A loving atmosphere in your home is so important. Do all you can to create a tranquil, harmonious home.
30. In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
31. Read between the lines.
32. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
33. Be gentle with the earth.
34. Pray. There's immeasurable power in it.
35. Never interrupt when you are being flattered.
36. Mind your own business.
37. Don't trust a man who doesn't close his eyes when you kiss him.
38. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
39. If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are living. That is wealth's greatest satisfaction.
40. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck.
41. Learn the rules then break some.
42. Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for each other is greater than your need for each other.
43. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
44. Remember that your character is your destiny.
45. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
Send this to at least 5 people and your life will improve
0-4 people: Your life will improve slightly.
5-9 people: Your life will improve to your liking.
9-14 people: You will have at least 5 surprises in the next 3 weeks.
15 and above: Your life will improve drastically and everything you ever dreamed of will begin to take shape.
At Least We're not Mississippi
11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
But It's a Dry Heat
Litterasy Ain't Everthing
As Seen on TV
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
Ask Us About Our Grandkids
We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
We Do Amazing Things With Corn
First Of The Rectangle States
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
A Thinking Man's Delaware
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
First Line of Defense From the Canadians
"10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000 Mosquitoes"
Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Whores and Poker!
Go Away and Leave Us Alone
Ya Wanna ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
Lizards Make Excellent Pets
You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...
Tobacco is a Vegetable
We Really are One of the 50 States!
We Wish We Were In Michigan
Like the Play, only No Singing
Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Cook With Coal
We're Not REALLY An Island
Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
Closer Than North Dakota
The Educashun State
Si' Hablo Ingles
(Yes, I speak English)
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Wanna Be Mayor?
One Big Happy Family -- Really!
Eat Cheese or Die
The World's Shortest Books
15. Gulf War Heroes of Iraq
14. Yugoslovian Tourist Guide
13. The Irish Temperance Society Members Register
12. "The Book of Feminist Humor" by Patricia Schroeder
11. Human Rights Advances in China
10. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
9. "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman
8. Al Gore: The Wild Years
7. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
6. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
5. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
4. Everything Men Know About Women
3. "To All The Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres
2. The Amish Phone Directory
1. "Modern Ethics and Morality" by William Jefferson Clinton
There were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of an old, delapidated boat. It just so happened that John's wife died the same day Joe's boat sank.
A few days later a kindly old woman saw Joe, and mistaking him for John, said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible" Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat, said, "Fact is, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like an old dead fish, she was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back, and a pretty big hole in the front, too. Every time I used her, the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools all tried to get in her at once and she split right up the middle."
The old woman fainted.
SEMINARS FOR MALES
1. Combating Stupidity
2. You, too, can do housework
3. PMS -- Learn when to keep your mouth shut.
4. How to fill an ice tray
5. We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas -- Give us money
6. Understanding the female response to your coming in drunk at 4:00am
7. Wonderful laundry techniques (formerly titled "Don't wash my silks")
8. Parenting -- No, it doesn't end with conception
9. Get a life -- learn to cook
10. How not to act like an jerk when you're obviously wrong
11. Spelling -- Even you can get it right
12. Understanding your financial incompetence
13. You -- The Weaker Sex
14. Reasons to give flowers
15. How to stay awake after sex
16. Why it is unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the bathroom
17. Garbage -- Getting it to the curb
18. You can fall asleep without "It" if you really try
19. The morning dilemma if "It's" awake. Take a shower
20. I'll wear it if I damn well please
21. How to put the toilet lid down (formerly "No, it's not a bidet")
22. "The weekend" and "sports" are not synonyms
23. Give me a break! Why we know your excuses are BS
24. How to go shopping with your mate and not get lost
25. The remote control -- Overcoming your dependency
26. Romanticism - Ideas other than sex
27. Helpful postural hints for couch potatoes
28. Mother-in-laws -- They are people, too
29. Male bonding -- Leaving your friends at home
30. You too can be a designated driver
31. Seeing the true you (formerly "No, you don't look like Mel Gibson, especially when naked!")
32. Changing your underwear -- It really works
33. Techniques for calling home
Stuff You Probably Didn't Know And Were Better off for it.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
The "save" icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk, with the shutter on backwards.
The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."
The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable."
Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."
Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.
The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat," which means "the king is dead".
Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head."
Camel's milk does not curdle.
An animal epidemic is called an epizootic.
Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants.
The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.
Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan.
All porcupines float in water.
Hang On Sloopy is the official rock song of Ohio.
Did you know that there are coffee flavored PEZ?
Lorne Greene had one of his nipples bitten off by an alligator while he was host of "Lorne Greene's Wild Kingdom."
Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
If you bring a raccoon's head to the Henniker, New Hampshire town hall, you are entitled to receive $.10 from the town.
The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
Non-dairy creamer is flammable.
The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)
Texas is also the only state that is allowed to fly its state flag at the same height as the U.S. flag.
The only nation whose name begins with an "A", but doesn't end in an "A" is Afghanistan.
Pamela Anderson Lee is Canada's Centennial Baby, being the first baby born on the centennial anniversary of Canada's independence.
When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing." They actually pass out from sheer terror.
The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.-Same thing with the library at the University of Massachusetts.
IT COULDN'T BE DONE
Somebody said it couldn't be done
But he with a chuckle replied
That "maybe it couldn't," but he would be one
Who wouldn't say no till he tried.
So he buckled right in with a trace of a grin
On his face. If he worried he hid it.
He started to sing as he tackled the thing
That couldn't be done, and he did it.
Somebody scoffed, "Oh, you'll never do that;
At least no one had ever done it."
But he took off his coat and he took off his hat
And the first thing we knew he'd begun it.
With a lift of his chin and a bit of a grin.
Without any doubting or quiddit,
He started to sing as he tackled the thing
That couldn't be done, and he did it.
There are thousands to tell you it cannot be done,
There are thousands to prophesy failure.
There are thousands to point out to you, one by one
The dangers that wait to assail you.
But just buckle in with a bit of a grin,
Just take off your coat and go to it.
Just start to sing as you tackle the thing
That "cannot be done" and you'll do it
As they prepared to eat dinner at a restaurant, Kim Kane's six-year-old son asked if he could say grace. As they bowed their heads he said, "God is good. God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby Kim heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"
Hearing this, her son burst into tears and asked, "Did I do it wrong? is God mad at me?" As Kim held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
"He winked at my son and said, 'I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer.' 'Really?' my son asked. 'Cross my heart.' Then in theatrical whisper he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started the whole thing), 'Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes.'"
Naturally, Kim bought her kids ice cream at the end of the meal. What happened next came as a complete surprise.
"My son stared at his for a moment and then did something I will remember the rest of my life," Kim explains.
"He picked up his sundae and without a word walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, 'Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes and my soul is good already.'"
(YEAH, you GO, boy!! Bravo!!)
From die fliegende Heidi...
ONLY IN AMERICA
Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...
Only in America...are there handicap-parking places in front of a skating rink...
Only in America...do people order double cheeseburgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...
Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...
Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...
A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to the alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide." And for plenty of good reasons, since
He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. Forty-three said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew that the chemical was water. The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?" The conclusion is obvious.
- it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
- it is a major component in acid rain;
- it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state;
- accidental inhalation can kill you;
- it contributes to erosion;
- it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes;
- it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients.
These are actual comments left on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:
"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."
"Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."
"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."
"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."
"Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."
"All the mile markers are missing this year."
"Found a smouldering cigarette left by a horse."
"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."
"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."
"Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."
"Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."
"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals."
"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."
"Need more signs to keep area pristine."
"A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead."
"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."
"Too many rocks in the mountains."
Graphics courtesy of