ODDS 'N' ENDS, Vol 3
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1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. No one is listening until you fart.
6. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a bad example.
9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
14. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
15. Don't squat with your spurs on.
16. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
17. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
18. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
19. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
20. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket.
21. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
22. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
23. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
24. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
25. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
26. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
27. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
28. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Stuff You Probably Didn't Know and Were Better Off, a la canadienne:
Pamela Anderson Lee is Canada's Centennial Baby, being the first baby born on the centennial anniversary of Canada's independence.
Canada isn't independent, it is part of the British Commonwealth of Nations and Canada's Head of State is Queen Elizabeth II. The Centennial in 1967 was the celebration of Confederation where the four provinces of Upper Canada (Ontario), Lower Canada (Québec), New Brunswick, and Nova Scotia joined to form a responsible government.
This is illustrated by the beginning of each law passed in the Ontario Legislature; "Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II on the advice and consent of the Legislative Assembly of the Province of Ontario Enacts as Follows...." >
POLITICALLY CORRECT GUIDE TO GUYS
- Submitted by Frank Borsellino
He does not have a beer gut;
he develops a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.
He is not quiet;
he is a Conversational Minimalist.
He does not get lost all the time;
he discovers Alternative Destinations.
You do not buy him a drink;
you initiate an Alcohol-For-Conversation Exchange.
He does not fart and belch;
he is Gastronomically Expressive.
He is not a redneck;
he is a Genetically-Related American.
He is not a cradle robber;
he prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.
He does not have a rich daddy;
he is a Recipient Of Parental Asset Infusion.
He does not hog the blankets;
he is Thermally Unappreciative.
He is not a male chauvinist pig;
he has Swine Empathy.
He is not afraid of commitment;
he is Monogamously Challenged
Dubya's Inaugural Address Song
(to the tune of "What a Wonderful World" by Sam Cooke)
Don't know much about history
Don't know much foreign policy
Don't remember how I got through school
I'm sure I didn't break the rules
But what's it matter 'cause my daddy says
"Boy, if you want to you can be the prez
And what a wonderful world this will be"
Don't know much about the women's vote
Don't know much about the bill I wrote
Don't know much about the foreign vets
I've never voted for 'em yet
But I do know if your dad tries hard
He can get you in the National Guard
And what a wonderful place that can be
Now I never claimed to be an A student
But what's wrong with C's?
And maybe by knowing the names of my cabinet
I can win their love for me
Don't know much about air pollution
Don't know much about the Constitution
Don't know much about th'economy
It never much affected me
But there's one thing that I know for sure
If the rich stay rich and the poor stay poor
What a wonderful world this will be
I've never had to pay one yet
If we need to we can sell the States
To the Japanese at discount rates
But I do know if things get bad
Dick and I can always call my dad
And what a wonderful world this will be
MORE USELESS FACTS AND TRIVIA
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.
Duelling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
A pig's penis is shaped like a corkscrew.
The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life"
The only city in the United States to celebrate Halloween on the October 30 instead of October 31 is Carson City, Nevada. October 31 is Nevada Day and is celebrated with a large street party.
No words in the English language rhyme with orange, silver or purple.
Fossilized dinosaur droppings are called coprolites, and are actually fairly common.
Alan Thicke, the father in the TV show Growing Pains wrote the theme songs for The Facts of Life and Diff'rent Strokes.
Pinocchio was made of pine.
Seoul, the South Korean capital, just means "the capital" in the Korean language.
The female ferret is referred to as a jill.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.
Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
To "testify" was based on men in the Roman court swearing to a statement made by swearing on their testicles.
During conscription for WWII, there were nine documented cases of men with three testicles.
A whale's penis is called a dork.
A pound of armadillo meat contains 780 calories.
If you feed a seagull Alka-Seltzer, its stomach will explode.
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he couldn't stand still. He asked the elder Father Murphy for some advice. Father Murphy replied, "When I'm worried about gettin' nervous on the pulpit, I take a wee bit o' whiskey, just to calm my nerves."
So the next Sunday he took the older priest's advice. Before the mass, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note from the elder priest on his door:
1) A few sips of whiskey. Not the whole bottle.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late JC.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Senior, Junior, and the Spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say, "He was stoned off his ass."MBR> 10) We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body"; he did not say, "Eat me."
12) The Virgin Mary is not referred to as, "Mary with the Cherry".
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub- dub, thanks for the grub, yea God!"
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
LATINA MORTUA LINGUA EST?
-- Some handy Latin phrases for everyday use:
Non calor sed umor est qui nobis incommodat.
It's not the heat, it's the humidity.
Di! Ecce hora! Uxor mea me necabit!
God, look at the time! My wife will kill me!
Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?
Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?
Lex clavatoris designati rescindenda est.
The designated hitter rule has got to go.
Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.
I think some people in togas are plotting against me.
Caesar si viveret, ad remum dareris.
If Caesar were alive, you'd be chained to an oar.
Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
(At a barbeque)
Animadvertistine, ubicumque stes, fumum recta in faciem ferri?
Ever noticed how wherever you stand, the smoke goes right into your face?
I am not lost.
Hocine bibo aut in eum digitos insero?
Do I drink this or stick my fingers in it?
Vah! Denuone Latine loquebar? Me ineptum. Interdum modo elabitur.
Oh! Was I speaking Latin again? Silly me. Sometimes it just sort of slips out.
Our Tax Dollars at Work!
The following items were approved in the 14 volume US Budget, agreed upon by the House and Senate Committees, and approved by the White House:
$240,000 grant for development of a two-headed Stethoscope.
$615,000 for renovation of a skating rink in Plattsburg, NY.
$26,500 grant for improving the packaging of fly paper.
$112,350 for brass polish for Marine Corps band servicing the White House.
$84,425 printing allocation for posters to commemorate Bernard W. Trencher, the first settler of Muskegon Heights, MI.
$1,200,000 special allocation to the Dept. of Agriculture to commence a feasibility study of commercial applications of peach seeds.
$312,500 for a sculpture and memorial tablet of Princess Diana, to be erected in Lake Ozark, Missouri.
$770,000 grant to the College of the Pacific to study the effects of the 1994 devaluation of the Mexican peso, and its effect on the US ball bearing industry.
$2,075,000 to establish The Skateboard Hall of Fame in Palo Alto, CA.
$425,000 special allocation to the Smithsonian to purchase the baseball hit by Babe Ruth as his 60th home run.
$3,000,000 allocation to the District of Columbia to promote a Miss District of Columbia Pageant in year 2000.
$5,325,000 allocation to the National Institute of Health to study alcohol consumption on college campuses.
$12,600 to replace the waffle irons in the Congressional dining room.
From one of my residents:
A Great Dane was sitting in the waiting room at the vet. He turned to another dog who was sitting there, and asked, "What are you here for?" The other dog replied, "Well, I had 4 litters of pups in the past 2 years, so my humans decided to have me spayed."
"Geez, it sucks to be you," the Great Dane said. He then turned to a cat next to him and asked, "What are you here for?"
The cat said, "My humans think I'm getting into too many fights with other cats so they're having me neutered."
"Geez, it sucks to be you," the Great Dane said. Then the cat and the other dog asked, "What are you here for?"
The Great Dane said, "Well, my human is a blonde and the other day she was going around the house naked when she bent over, so I jumped her, and here I am."
The cat and the other dog said, "Geez, it must really suck to be you."
"No," the Great Dane replied, "I'm just here to get my claws clipped."
Do you really understand the English Language?
1. We must polish the Polish furniture.
2. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
3. The farm was used to produce produce.
4. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
5. The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
6. The present is a good time to present the present.
7. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
8. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
9. I did not object to the object.
10. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
11. The bandage was wound around the wound.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15. They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in my clothes I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
ON CATS AND DOGS
"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." --Dave Platt
"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." --Unknown
"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." --Anonymous
"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." --Jeff Valdez
"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." --English proverb
"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." --Ellen Perry Berkeley
"One cat just leads to another." --Ernest Hemingway
"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." --Mary Bly
"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." --Joseph Wood Krutch
"People who hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life." --Faith Resnick
"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." --Anonymous
"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." --Hippolyte Taine
"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." --Albert Schweitzer
"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." --Ernest Menaul
"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God."
"Time spent with cats is never wasted." --Colette
"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." --Joseph Wood Krutch
"Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit."
"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about little puppies." -- Gene Hill
"In dog years I'm dead" -- Unknown
"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear." -- Dave Barry
"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl." -- Penny Ward Moser
"The dog's kennel is not the place to keep a sausage." -- Danish Proverb
"The scientific name for an animal that doesn't either run from or fight its enemies is lunch." -- Michael Friedman
"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs." -- Aldous Huxley
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." -- Robert Benchley
"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives." -- Sue Murphy
"Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?" -- Unknown
"I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers." -- Unknown
"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves." -- August Strindberg
"No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation." -- Fran Lebowitz
"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul- chicken, pork, half cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" -- Anne Tyler
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." -- Rita Rudner
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money." -- Joe Weinstein
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." -- James Thurber
"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets." -- Nora Ephron
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." -- Ann Landers
"Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." -- Robert A. Heinlein
"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." -- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." -- Ben Williams
"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." -- Edward Abbey
"Cat's Motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it." -- Unknown
"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail.." -- Unknown
"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does." -- Christopher Morley
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." -- Josh Billings
"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be." -- Holbrook Jackson
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." -- Andrew A. Rooney
"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion" -- Unknown
"Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in." -- Mark Twain
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. -Groucho Marx
"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'nice doggie'until you can find a rock." -Will Rogers
"If you want a friend in Washington, buy a dog." –Harry S. Truman
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. -Steve Bluestone
The top Ten Dr. Seuss Books That Were Rejected By His Publisher
10. The Cat In The Microwave
9. Herbert The Pervert Likes Sherbert
8. Your Colon Can Moo - Can You?
7. The Fox In Detox
6. The Grinches Ten Inches
5. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
4. Zippy the Gerbil
3. My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
2. Who Shat In the Hat?
1. Horton Hires A Ho
Top 20 Sayings We'd Like To See On Those Office Inspirational Posters:
1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
13. We waste time so you don't have to.
14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
19. Succeed in spite of management.
20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
Thanks, Marco. I needed this.
ALL SUCCESS STARTS WITH BEGINNING. @))-------------------------------------
To reach your goal or to attain success,
you don't need to know all the answers in advance.
You do need to have a clear idea of your goal.
Don't procrastinate when faced with a difficult problem.
Break your problem into parts, and handle one part at a time.
Develop a bias toward action.
Break your big plan into small steps and take the first step right away. Make something happen, now.
Everyone who got where they are had to begin where they were.
You have opportunities all around you.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. Take it.
30 Ways to Have an Extra-Specially Fun Time At WalMart!
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples' carts when they don't realize it.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him, "I need some tampons".
5. Try on bras over top of your clothes.
6. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms.
7. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible "I smell sex and candy."
8. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.
9. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."
10. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
11. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
12. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
13. Put M&M's on layaway.
14. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
15. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
16. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
17. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
18. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
19. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
20. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
21. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon (Editor's note: Ask them in French like in the commercial: "Est-ce-que vous avez du Grey Poupon?". Still showing off my high school French!
22. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
23. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.
24. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
25. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
26. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
27. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me !! pick me!!" and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them.
28. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
29. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
30. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax.
31. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
Another contribution from my fellow two-wheeled terror, Marco
Now, at long last some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic.
1) Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors half-frames too)! Neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
2) Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With hand held fan and tiny tissues.
3) Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
4) Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muumuus with tummy support panels are included!
5) Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.
6) No More Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
7) Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. With mini van in robins egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
8) Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Fred (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."
9) Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.
10) Single Mother Barbie. There's not much time for primping anymore! Ken's shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the Dream House and Barbie's across town with Babs and Ken, Jr., in a fourth-floor walkup. Barbie's selling off her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money. Complete garage sale kit included.
11) Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does twelve steps instead of dance steps!
12) Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with little copy of The Big Book and six-pack of Diet Coke.
13) Post Menopausal Barbie. Poor Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, she comes with the book, "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self".
Real Classified Ads
The following were actually taken from recent classified ads in newspapers:
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART DOG
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED...ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000
STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15
FREE PUPPIES: 50% COCKER SPANIEL - 50% SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.
SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE 89 cents
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.
FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED CALL CHUBBIE
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT...BEEN OUT AWHILE..BETTER BE REWARD.
HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 =3DBD BOTTLES OF BEER.
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
GEORGIA PEACHES- CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE SLIGHTLY STAINED
FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.
AMERICAN FLAG 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
NOTICE: TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE: PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD.
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175.
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.
LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.
GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.
BAR S SLICED BOLOGNA REGULAR OR TASTY SAVE 30 CENTS ON 2
OPEN HOUSE BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON FREE COFFEE & DONUTS
KELLOGG'S POT TARTS - $1.99 box
FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb.
The Ultimate Urban Legend
I know this guy whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. So anyway, one day he went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over. When he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN and he saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" But he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to save us from Armageddon when the year 2000 rolls around. His program will prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute Gates. (It's true -- I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.) The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital-the one, actually, where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to twenty people you will have good luck but ten people will only have OK luck and if you send it to less than ten people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS). So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving along without his lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation. And it's a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages.
Received from Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List.
Old and new concerns for people of the baby boom generation.
Then: Long hair.
Now: Longing for hair.
Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux.
Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now: Moving to California because it's hot.
Then: You're growing pot.
Now: Your growing pot.
Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids.
Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Then: Seeds and stems.
Then: Popping pills, smoking joints.
Now: Popping joints.
Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity.
Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
Now: Being caught by Hustler magazine.
Then: Killer weed.
Now: Weed killer.
Then: Hoping for a BMW.
Now: Hoping for a BM.
Then: The Grateful Dead.
Now: Dr. Kevorkian.
Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
Now: Getting a new hip joint.
Subject: Classic Dan Quayle
Subject: In Case You Forgot...
Recently, Dan Quayle announced his intentions to run for President of the U.S. in 2000. Since the average attention span in the U.S. is about as long as the average sitcom, and since many younger voters may not have been watching the news when these were said the first time, I provide you with this list of famous Quayle quotes.
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
"May our nation continue to be the beakon [sic] of hope to the world."
The Quayles' 1989 Christmas card. [Not a beacon of literacy,though.]
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
"We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward."
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
"The future will be better tomorrow."
"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe."
"Public speaking is very easy."
"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."
"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan Quayle may or may not make."
"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
Dan Quayle, the man who would be president. You gotta love him...
From my bicycling buddy Marco
REAL BUMPER STICKERS
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.
I need someone real bad...Are you real bad?
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
All men are idiots....and I married their king.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
I. R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
Keep honking...I'm reloading.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Hang up and drive.
Montana: At least the cows are sane.
God must love stupid people...He made SO many
I said no to drugs, but they didn't listen.
Your kid may be an honor student, but YOU'RE still an idiot.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Where there's a will...I want to be in it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.
and the A1 bumper sticker of the week..............
Honk If You Want To See My Finger
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
* On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping
* On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary Details inside
* On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap
* Some Swanson frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost
* On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head
*On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:
Do not turn upside down (Printed on the bottom of the box)
* On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating
* On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body
* On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine
Do not drive car or operate machinery
* On Nytol (a sleep aid):
Warning: may cause drowsiness
* On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children
* On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only
* On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use
* On Sainsbury's Peanuts
Warning: contains nuts
* On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts
* On a Swedish chain saw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands
Graphics courtesy of