ODDS 'N' ENDS, Vol 1
Contrary what the title may imply, this page has nothing to do with psychiatry or proctology. It's simply a collection of jokes, tidbits, factoids, stories, and other stuff that doesn't fit anywhere else on this site. Kinda like your crazy Aunt Fanny's attic -- full of clutter, junk, the occasional treasure -- and you never know what to expect (Just like clinical!) (Click here for more "Odds 'n' Ends")
It's 1880, the decade of gunslingers and gentlemen. This is a story of one such young man that wanted more than anything to be the fastest and most respected gunslinger in the west.
The place was Dodge City, Kansas in the Sawdust Saloon. The young man walked into the Sawdust Saloon and, to his surprise, saw Bat Masterson sitting at a table playing poker. The young man walked up to Bat and said, "Mr. Masterson, I would like to be a gunslinger just like you. Could you give me some tips?"
Bat Masterson put his cards down, looked up at the boy and said, "Son, I don't usually give out tips like this cause it could someday be detrimental to my health, but step back and let me take a look at you."
The boy stepped back and Mr. Masterson said, "You look good. You're wearing black, you've got two ivory handled guns with waxed holsters, and you look like a gunslinger. But what's more important, son, is: Can you shoot?"
The young man, happy to show how good he was, quickly drew his pistol from his right holster and without aiming shot the cuff link off of the piano player's right sleeve.
Bat Masterson said, "That's good shooting son, but can you shoot with your left hand?"
Before Masterson could even finish, the boy had already drawn the pistol from his left holster and shot the cuff link off of the piano player's left shirt sleeve. Very proud of himself the young man blew the smoke away from his six shooter and holstered his gun. "How was that?" the boy asked Masterson.
Bat Masterson smiled and looked up and the boy and said, "That was pretty good shooting son. I couldn't do better than that myself, but I do have one good tip for you."
"What's that?" the boy asked.
"I suggest that you go to the kitchen and ask the cook for a large can of lard. Then take both guns of yours and stick them down deep in the lard."
Puzzled the young gunslinger asked Masterson why he should do that.
Masterson put his cards down again, leaned back in his chair, and said, "Well son, when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano over there, he's going to take those two guns of yours and. . . "
Looking to buy a house, but daunted by all those confusing and intimidating real estate terms? When the real estate agent tells you a house has a "country kitchen," is that real estate jargon for "you cook in the fireplace"? Well, after (ahem!) 7 years in the residential lending business, I've devised this little guide to help you out.
DIANA B'S GUIDE TO WHAT THOSE REAL ESTATE BUZZWORDS REALLY MEAN
- Waterfront property: Streets flood every spring.
- Rural surroundings: Out in the middle of nowhere.
- For sale by owner: No real estate agent in his or her right mind would touch it.
- Cozy: House is the size of a backyard shed.
- Mature neighborhood: Slum.
- Convenient to shopping and transportation: Located right on the main drag.
- Walk-in closets: If you're a midget.
- Unique scenery: Town dump is across the street.
- Indoor pool: Flooded basement.
- Peaceful neighborhood: Next to a cemetery.
- Lawn sprinkler system: Neighbors' dogs pee all over the yard.
- Owner anxious to sell: House was broken into 6 times in the past year.
- Rustic: No electricity or indoor plumbing.
- Exclusive area: You can't afford it.
- Dream home: You can't afford it.
- Immaculate condition: Owners can afford a maid,
- Good starter home>: One bedroom, one bath.
- Fixer-upper: Condemned by building inspector.
- Must see: What a dump!
- Reduced price: Still overpriced.
- Victorian charm: Hasn't been renovated since 1870.
- Oversized lot: Undersized house
ODD SIGNS FROM ENGLAND
Sign in a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
Outside a farm:
HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
On a church door:
THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. (PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)
English sign in a German cafe:
MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:
THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.
Outside a photographer's studio:
OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO
Outside a disco:
SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME
Sign warning of quicksand:
QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.
Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish:
DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER
Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.
Sign on motorway garage:
PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Sign at Norfolk farm gate:
BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT
Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
The Student Nurse Stress Diet
This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds during the course of the day.
1 slice of whole wheat toast
8 oz. low fat or skim milk
4 oz lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Oreo cookie
Rest of Oreos in pack
2 pints Haagen Daz ice cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce
nuts, cherries, whipped cream
2 loaves garlic bread with cheese
large sausage & cheese pizza
4 cans or 1 large pitcher beer (non-alcoholic, I sure hope)
3 Milky Way candy bars
LATE EVENING NEWS
Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake eaten directly from the freezer.
(Editor's note: A coupla bottles of Alka-Seltzer, too!)
RULES FOR THIS DIET
- If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
- If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
- When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you don't eat more than they do.
- Food used for medicinal purposes never counts, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast, and Sara Lee cheese cake.
- If you fatten up the people around you, then you look thinner.
- Movie-related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entire entainment package and are not part of one's personal intake. Examples are Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Jr. Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.
- Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes caloric leakage.
- Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife while making a sandwich or ice cream on a spoon while making a sundae.
- Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples include spinach and pistachio ice cream, cauliflower and whipped cream.
NOTE: Chocolate is a universal substitute and may be used in place of any other food.
A horse and a chicken were strolling through a field when suddenly the horse fell into a big mud puddle and couldn't get out. The chicken rushed back to the farm, jumped into the farmer's BMW, and raced back to the mud puddle. Then he took a rope, tied one end on to the bumper, gave the horse the other end to hold between his teeth, jumped back into the Beemer, revved up the engine, and pulled the horse out.
The next day, the horse and the chicken were walking in the field again when this time the chicken got stuck in the mud puddle. The horse straddled the puddle and said to the chicken, "Grab a hold of my thing, and I'll pull you out."
Moral: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks!
******** Why God never received tenure ***********
1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question. The priest says after consulting the Bible," My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays." the man thinks: " What does a priest know of sex?" He goes to minister... a married man, experienced..for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply..Sex is work and not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge...A Rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question and states," My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies," Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!" The Rabbi softly speaks," If sex were work...my wife would have the maid do it.
I found this wonderful list on the student nurse newsgroup. I don't know who I can attribute it to, but as a veteran of the Dilbert-esque lunacy of corporate America, I can readily relate to it! If you can identify it, please claim it!
Subject: The definitive list of corporate jargon---PG
- Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
- Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
- Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.
- Ego Surfing: Scanning the Net, databases, print media, and so on, looking for references to one's own name.
- Elvis Year: The peak year of something's or someone's popularity. "Barney the Dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993."
- 404: Someone who's clueless. "Don't bother asking him; he's 404." From the WWW error message "404 Not Found", meaning the requested document couldn't be located.
- Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
- Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.
- Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
- Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a big mistake.
- Perot: To quit unexpectedly, as in "My cellular phone just perot'ed."
- Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
- SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
- Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.
- Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property, and no regrets.
- Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
- Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
- Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."
- Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
- Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
- Going Postal: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. (Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.)
- Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."
- Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
- Beepilepsy: The brief seizure people sometimes have when their beeper goes off (especially in vibrator mode). Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and interruption of speech in mid-sentence.
- Chips and Salsa: Chips =3D hardware, salsa =3D software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."
- Crapplet: A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. "I just wasted 30 minutes downloading this stinkin' crapplet!"
- Dancing Baloney: Little animated GIFs and other Web F/X that are useless and serve simply to impress clients. "This page is kinda dull. Maybe a little dancing baloney will help."
- Depotphobia: Fear associated with entering a Home Depot because of how much money one might spend. Electronics geeks experience Shackophobia.
- Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.
- Generica : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is. "We were so lost in generica, I actually forgot what city we were in."
- A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job: A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
- Irritainment; Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
- Midair Passenger Exchange: Grim air-traffic-controller-speak for a head-on collision. Midair passenger exchanges are quickly followed by "aluminum rain."
- Nyetscape: Nickname for AOL's less-than-full-featured Web browser.
- PEBCAK: Tech support shorthand for "Problem Exists Between Chair and Keyboard." (Techies are a frustrated, often arrogant lot. They've submitted numerous acronyms and terms that poke fun at the clueless users who call them up with frighteningly stupid questions. Another variation on the above is ID10T: "This guy has an ID-Ten-T on his system.")
- Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
- Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, sh-ts over everything, and then leaves.
- Square-headed Girlfriend: Another word for a computer. The victim of a square-headed girlfriend is a "computer widow."
- Telephone Number Salary : A salary (or project budget) that has seven digits.
- Umfriend: A sexual relation of dubious standing. "This is uh..Dale, my...um...friend..."
- Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.
- Vulcan Nerve Pinch: The taxing hand position required to reach all of the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.
- Yuppie Food Stamps: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We all owe $8 each, but all anybody's got is yuppie food stamps."
- Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.
A fable to ponder as you study A & P:
One day the parts of the body were arguing over who was the boss.
The brain claimed it was the boss because, after all, it did the thinking and controlled all body functions. The heart insisted it was boss because without it pumping blood all over the body, none of the organs could function. The intestine said it was boss because it digested food to nourish the body.
Finally the anus spoke up and announced it was boss. The other organs all laughed at the anus, so it shut right up. As a result, everything in the body got so backed up that none of the organs could work right. Finally the all conceded that the anus was indeed the boss.
Moral: You don't need brains, a heart, or guts to be a boss. You just have to an an asshole!
Divine Press Release
Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal was begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem.
Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time", that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was "thrilled to have had his child." In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that "No sexual relationship existed", and that "the facts of this story will come out in time, verily".
Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with the Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives know only as the "Wise Men". Beelzebub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair.
Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal.
In recent months, Beelzebub's investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God's political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions.
If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10 "Commandments", which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech.
10Q to my pal Heidi for this one!
Classic CHURCH BULLETIN Bloopers
1) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
2) The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
3) The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
4) Evening massage - 6 p.m.
5) The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
6) The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
7) Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
8) Ushers will eat latecomers.
9) The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
10) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
11) The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
12) The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
13) During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
14) Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
15) Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
16) Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
17) The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
18) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
19) The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
20) The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
21) 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
22) A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
23) Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
24) Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"
25) On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.
26) Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
27) Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
28) The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
29) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
30) 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
31) The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
32) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
33) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
Eran "Ogre" Marer
Patient Care Associate / Nursing Unit Receptionist / Nurse's Aide/ Cow Milker Extraordinaire.
(lots of titles for just one man huh?!)
Ways to annoy your Public Bathroom Stallmate
- Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor,"May I borrow a highlighter?"
- Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
- Cheer and clap loudly everytime somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
- Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
- Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit!! My glass eye!!"
- Say "Damn, this water is cold."
- Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a high place. Sigh relaxingly.
- Say, "Now how did that get there?"
- Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
- Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,"Whoa ! Easy boy !!"
- Say," Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"
- Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
- Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!
- Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"
- Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
- Play a well known drum cadence over and oven again on your butt cheeks
- Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
- Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
- Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"
Just what you needed -- another OJ joke: There was a big traffic jam in LA (so what else is new?), and a motorist called a pedestrian over and asked, "What's going on?"
The passerby replied, "OJ Simpson's plunked himself down in the middle of the road and refuses to leave. He's threatening to douse himself with gasoline and set himself on fire because he can't pay the judgment to the Brown and Goldman families. So they're taking up a collection for him."
The motorist asked, "How much have they gotten so far?"
The pedestrian replied, "About 12-15 gallons."